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Undercover at the Olympics

Image
Traumatised? Diver Zhou Luxin.
I got to watch the Olympics in glorious 35mm thanks to Telstra’s Olympic mobile plan.

I had a magnifying glass handy for when the scores went up, the rest of the time microscopic creatures dived into matchboxes of blue water and sprinted along tracks as wide as lines in a notepad.

No matter – it was thrilling to be connected to the Olympic pulse, to keep an eye on the progress of Matthew Mitcham mostly. You could feel the enthusiasm shrivelling like a jellyfish on a January beach when Mitcham did badly in the 3m springboard. His specialty was the 10m platform, anyone who’d been reading MCV knew that, but it seemed after the springboard that the great, gay hope was going to be a dud.

It was such a turnaround: to not only win gold, but to do it in such spectacular style, that I have to wonder if there may not have been undercover homosexuals working to sabotage the Chinese team. I bet you’ve been thinking exactly the same thing.

For years there’ve been whispers about a gay MI5 working in clandestine fashion to advance our cause. It's taken the Olympics and the hope of gay gold to bring them out into the (almost) open.

I don't want to be a traitor to the cause, so I’m not saying anything about the disappearance of the security footage from backstage at the diving areas. I’m not going to mention the moans heard coming from that area precisely six minutes before Chinese hot favourite Zhou Luxin was due to dive. Nor the clatter of stilettos on tiled floors. The six foot four female form folding into an airport shuttle bus leaving a smear of Revlon’s Beyond Natural semi-sheer lipgloss on the front of foreign Speedos.

A distraction? A professional job well done? Certainly Zhou lost his nerve up there. Perhaps he found another side of himself? Did he discover, finally, after so much domination, that there’s no shame in coming second?

Let's hear it for the boy: Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

Mmph, mmph, mmph!

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