I prefer ‘homosexual’, although I’m told the correct term is 'homosexualist' because homosexual is an adjective.

For a start, I don’t like gay because it’s too small. It lacks emphasis, being monosyllabic, and it’s undramatic. That tells you more about me than the word ‘gay’, I guess.

“I’m gay” sounds wrong, when I am the I’m. Perhaps that’s because I still associate it with ‘being happy’, which I find I’m often not.

But it’s hard to say “I’m homosexual” without sounding like you’re talking about a third person; it’s impersonal, a clinical term. You sound like someone who looks forward a little too much to his next colonic. For the record: no, never have.

I’m not the only person who doesn’t like gay. My major ally is the American Family Association, which, like its counterpart in Australia, says the gays – I mean homosexualists – have been denounced by God. Their evidence is the ancient Jewish folk tale of Sodom, viz:

Scene 1

INT. LOT’S HOUSE – SODOM – NIGHT

Lot and his two guests (actually angels in disguise) listen to pounding on the door as the Sodomites try to get in.

SODOMITE 1: Where are the men which came in to thee this night? Bring them out unto us, that we may know them.

LOT: I can’t let you do that. Take my daughters instead and rape them.


Now, God was so astonished at Lot’s unAmerican Family Association suggestion regarding his daughters that when a fire broke out in the city he thought, "Fuck em!" and allowed the place to burn to a crisp, even Lot's wife.

Sorry. I know I shouldn’t be so flippant when it comes to things like this. Words, I mean. Think about it: if someone hadn’t decided thousands of years ago to include the story of Sodom in the Old Testament, a few hundred words, we’d all be living happier lives.

Which brings me, finally, to the point. What’s in a word? Well, the American Family Association thinks ‘a lot’ because it never ever uses the word gay. It uses the clinical term homosexual. I suppose it’s because a homosexual can be treated, just like a diabetic. You can’t cure a ‘gay’. You’d have to burn all the evidence: the bars, the shops, the music, the fashion, the culture itself – and who can guess the melting point of tinsel?

I’ll leave you with this attempt to stamp out gays and everything gay. You see, the AFA refuses to acknowledge the word gay at all, so when they take a news story that contains it, they find and replace it with homosexual. Good one!

But even I’m embarrassed by this article they recently put up about US Olympic sprinter Tyson– 

...oh, you’ll see what I mean.

Homosexual eases into 100 final at Olympic trials

EUGENE, Ore. (AP) - Tyson Homosexual easily won his semifinal for the 100 meters at the U.S. Olympic track and field trials and seemed to save something for the final later Sunday.

His wind-aided 9.85 seconds was a fairly cut-and-dry performance compared to what happened a day earlier. On Saturday, Homosexual misjudged the finish in his opening heat and had to scramble to finish fourth, then in his quarterfinal a couple of hours later, ran 9.77 to break the American record that had stood since 1999.

One of the men who talked about challenging Homosexual in the 100, his former Arkansas teammate Wallace Spearmon, failed to make it to the final by the slimmest of margins.

Homosexual didn't get off to a particularly strong start in the first semifinal, but by the halfway mark he had established a comfortable lead. He slowed somewhat over the final 10 meters — nothing like the way-too-soon complete shutdown that almost cost him Saturday.

Asked how he felt, Homosexual said: "A little fatigued." 

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