I conduct studies all the time.

They’re generally based on real research which I think hasn’t gone far enough; an idea inspired by the ‘Finger-length Ratios and Sexual Orientation’ study of 2000.

This particular study found that lesbians’ index fingers are significantly shorter than their ring fingers, similar to that of men; whereas straight women’s index and ring fingers are of comparable length.

However, what really impressed me was the subsequent work titled ‘Differences in Finger-length Ratios Between Self-identified ‘Butch’ and ‘Femme’ Lesbians’, which found that while butch lesbians have man-hands, the femme’s 2d:4d ratio is the same as a straight woman’s. WOW. This sort of dedication to follow-up is what real research is about, and so I embarked on a little follow-up research of my own.

The 1994 genius work of Rudolph P. Gaudio, ‘Sounding Gay: Pitch Properties in the Speech of Gay and Straight Men’, recorded the speech of four gay men and four straight men. Volunteers were then asked to identify who sounded gay and who sounded straight. Everyone guessed correctly, concluding that there is such a thing as a ‘gay voice’.

Consequently, some researchers surmised that gay men may be subconsciously imitating certain female speech patterns to attract a mate. So, I asked my gay male friends if they could try to talk like a straight man to see what they might do.

All of them lowered their voice, dropped the ‘g’ in ‘ing’ words and said ‘blood oath’ a lot. This only backed up the theory of why gay men would imitate female speech, as their idea of what straight men sound like is certainly unappealing; although one subject told me he would have done the same thing if I’d asked him to speak like a lesbian.

One of my most successful pieces of research is when I completely discredited the ‘gay gene’ theory.

I asked five people - three gay men and two lesbians - if they thought their parents might be gay. According to the participants, their fathers were completely heterosexual, but three of them thought their mums had entertained the idea. However, as all three thought a general dissatisfaction with their husbands was to blame for their mothers’ possible lesbianism, rather than true homosexuality, it was concluded that homosexuality is not hereditary.

One of my favourite studies was my half hour spent testing gay men’s ability to recall where things are. This came off the back of the ‘Object Location Memory’ study, which found that gay men are better at remembering where objects are than straight men.

I invited two gay men over, arranged certain items in the lounge room, and then blindfolded both subjects. I removed the objects and gave them to the men, and asked them to place each back where it had been. Both men scored 100 per cent accuracy every time, proving that yet another worthwhile study about the important differences between gays and straights is true.

I’m currently conducting a study into the theory that left-handed people are more likely to be queer than their right-handed peers. I’m keeping a close eye on my southpaw brother, who claims to be heterosexual (as does his wife) even after intense questioning. However, it is to be noted that even after years of speech therapy, he still has a noticeable lisp.

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