Living with Bipolar II can be physically and mentally gruelling, but there are things you can do to get through it all, says Stuart Barnes.

I attempted suicide – not for the first time – this year. Like many people I've battled The Big Black Hand of depression since birth. And, like many people, I was terrified, for one reason or another, of consulting a health professional.

In 2005, aged 27, I was referred by my GP to a psychiatrist. The diagnosis? Bipolar II Disorder, an illness characterized by one or more major depressive episodes (which may last for several weeks or months) accompanied by at least one hypomanic episode. (Hypomanic episodes are similar to, but not as severe as, Bipolar I-type manic episodes: elevated moods, psychosis, increased libido.)

Since diagnosis I've been seeing the same psychiatrist – I believe continuity of care is important – and taking various medications (Lithium, Olanzapine, Fluoxetine, Sodium valproate). Over time, I've quit drinking, smoking and drugs. I've started exercising most days, singing ('finding my inner voice'), primal screaming (at the night sky), meditating, trying to be more aware, trying to live in the moment.

More recently, I've been seeing a psychologist. 'Emotional archaeology' is a way of excavating the past – childhood, puberty, parental relationships – for answers.

I've been extremely fortunate to have always had the consistent support of my parents and a small circle of intimate friends – and the opportunity to be as open as I need to be with these people; and Centrelink has supplemented with income assistance (Sickness Allowance, Newstart Incapacitated, Disability Support Pension) when I've been unable to work at all over the last couple of years.

But boy, have there been hiccups.

The medications, the psychiatric and psychological sessions have been causing emotional pain and suffering, and physical sickness. Exercise is gruelling (and motivation's a needle in a haystack). Family and friends have at times been frustrated and/or caused frustration. And Centrelink has its own, unique red tape.
Most days I feel like a child, like I'm reprogramming my mind, my body, my soul – relearning to think, to breathe, to walk, to talk, to relax.

But, like a child, I have everything ahead of me.

And everything I've experienced – the positives and the negatives – has been worthwhile.

How do I know?

I no longer want to take my own life.

And if you're thinking about suicide, or have attempted suicide, please talk to someone, to anyone, like I did.

Talking could save your life.

Living’s not always easy, but it's easier with: Lifeline 13 11 14; Emergency Services 000; A GP (I recommend Carlton Clinic 9347 9422); GROW, a free, 12-step, group therapy, mental health program 9528 2977; Beyond Blue 1300 224 636 (information & referrals only - NOT a counselling service), or www.beyondblue.org.au

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