 Relationships are always complicated, writes Trish Thompson – especially when one partner is HIV positive and the other is not.
When my partner was diagnosed in late 2006, it was a huge shock. This is not something that either of us had ever contemplated would happen to us! For me, the first week or so was horrific. Quite aside from the concerns, worry and grief I was feeling on behalf of my partner, of course I was worried about my own status. But after my tests all came back negative, I felt more alone than ever. Although I was trying my very best to remain strong and supportive for my partner, there was no-one I knew with whom I could share my fears, anger and emotions…
- ‘Paul ’ (Negative Partner’s Group participant)
People bring all sorts of things to their personal relationships - their sense of humour, their love of sport; maybe even their habit of leaving dirty dishes on the sink for three days. Some people bring HIV as well. Or maybe HIV comes to the relationship later, a bit like an unexpected visitor, but one that makes it clear it’s here to stay.
Relationships are always hard, but they can seem especially difficult when a couple has to manage an on-going health issue like HIV. A lot of emotions can be experienced by both guys in the relationship – guilt for being the one with the diagnosis or for being the one without. Sometimes couples find it hard to talk to one another about these feelings for fear of burdening the other.
While there are a number of services available for people living with HIV/AIDS, there is not a lot out there that’s specifically for the HIV-negative partners of a relationship. There are a number of ways to get help and support – individual counselling and couples’ counselling to name two. But there is another way – taking part in a therapeutic group.
The Negative Partner’s Group (NPG) at the Victorian AIDS Council/Gay Men’s Health Centre has been running since 2002. It was established to provide HIV negative men in serodiscordant relationships the opportunity to focus on their own needs in learning to cope with the challenges inherent in their relationships in a supportive and confidential environment. It provides education about a variety of topics relating to living with HIV, as well as exploring areas such as communicating with your partner, and working out what issues are about HIV and what is just about being in a relationship.
The NPG ‘s intention is to support HIV negative men by allowing them to discuss their experiences with others; to talk about things that may be hard to share elsewhere, such as experiencing feelings of anger or isolation; knowing that others in the group will be in a position to listen and perhaps even relate to what is being said.
“I cannot begin to express what a relief it was to be able to talk to other guys who were in exactly the same situation as me. We spent a lot of time up-front clarifying our expectations of privacy. That done, the group was my first real opportunity to share my feelings and thoughts and fears with others who would understand completely, without fear,” ‘Paul’ says.
“I was able to strengthen myself, and I now feel better placed to help and support my partner, as well as look after myself. I learned a lot - about coping mechanisms, better communication, handling and expression of anger - as well as a lot of practical things such as treatments, accessing various services, safe sex and so on.”
The next Negative Partner’s Group starts in late July. If you think you would like to know more about the group, or would like to consider individual or couple’s counselling, please contact the VAC/GMHC on 9865 6700 between 2pm – 4pm Monday to Friday and ask to speak to a duty worker. You can also email
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Positives and negatives
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