Good preparation is the key to coming out unscathed, writes Shelley Argent. 

When a son or daughter comes out it can be quite confronting for parents. But it’s still important, when you feel the time is right, to inform family so that at least you can be honest with them and live your life being true to yourself.

At PFLAG we suggest that before you break the news, you get as much information, including phone numbers, in advance, so that your family can seek extra support and assistance.

This shows your family that you’re serious, while the information helps to hasten understanding for all concerned.

Some family members will be hesitant to seek information themselves, because they may not know where to access it. Also, many parents are reluctant to borrow a book from the library or buy one because they assume the assistant at the counter will judge them.

Parents still worry that they’ll be seen as bad parents, and that they should have seen it coming and done something to halt the inevitable.

Some are still quick to blame each other, believing that he/she was absent, weak or dominant, or they were over-protective of you when you were a child.

However, I always let them know very quickly that it doesn’t matter if they were the best or the worst parents. It’s not the reason why they have a gay son or lesbian daughter.

Nonetheless, most parents want to understand why a son is gay or a daughter is lesbian. Was it someone’s fault? Is there a gay gene? Is it hereditary? Was it because Mum took medication when she was pregnant? Or stress during the pregnancy?

PFLAG believes it doesn’t matter why our children are gay or lesbian. The point is they are. They didn’t choose to be, just as we as heterosexuals didn’t choose.

We also let it be known that homosexuality and bisexuality are described as natural sexual variants by the American Psychiatric Association, and not a mental health issue as once believed.

If possible, encourage parents to attend PFLAG meetings. By doing this they meet other parents all at different stages of acceptance, which helps to break the isolation and hasten understanding.

Sometimes, if parents are apprehensive about attending meetings, it can be advantageous if their son or daughter comes with them. Besides being supportive of parents, it gives the young person some insight into how other families are working through similar issues, and everyone gains.

So if you are considering ‘coming out’ to your family, please contact PFLAG for information and support.

Prepare for these questions:
•  How do you know? Have you got a partner?
•  You’re too young to know, you must be confused. It’s just a phase.
•  Have your friends encouraged this?
•  How long have you known?
•  Who else knows?
•  Why are we the last to know? A good answer is “because you mattered the most and so were the hardest to tell”.
•  If parents suggest you need counselling, agree on the proviso that they go with you. This can be a good way to get support for them.

Shelley Argent is president of Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). www.pflagvictoria.org.au  

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