I do not like chocolate.

Call the cacao cops. Put me in a straitjacket made of fudge and throw away the Cadbury key. I just don’t like it much.

This is not an admission sane humans are permitted to make. It’s met first with scepticism. Then suspicion. And finally, a head-to-toe revaluation of my entire person. Even from those who’ve known me a while.

Some find this distaste so offensive that I once resorted to lying. I’m allergic, I’d say. The kindly clucking and cooing this provoked became too much. People would offer me their sympathies and the number of high end psychiatrists to help me overcome my handicap. So, I reverted to the truth and its attendant blank stares.

Even though I lack the chocoholic gene, I am occasionally persuaded. A lifetime of choc moderation has helped me recognise the good stuff at twenty paces.

Good chocolate will have an even lustre. It should not have any blemishes, cracks or sugar ‘bloom’ on its surface. It should melt rather quickly to the touch and feel silken; not sticky. The connoisseur must also listen to their chocolate. A good, satisfying snap indicates a high quantity of cocoa butter.

It’s a fickle ingredient and its treatment requires great expertise. Chocolate makers and chocolatiers are the people who make this drug so popular. The chocolate makers use the harvested cacao beans to produce couverture chocolate. Chocolatiers use finished couverture to make those little bonbons my partner crams into her cakehole while reading terrible novels. The quality of the finished sweet rests heavily on the quality of the makers’ material.

The difference between fine handmade chocolate and the mass-produced supermarket stuff can be traced to the production process. If Partner yells, “How can I finish my Barbara Cartland romance with this in my mouth?” then I know that bean quality and cocoa butter quantity are low and additives are high.

Chocolate, most particularly the dark stuff, boasts acknowledged health benefits. It contains helpful antioxidants, aids the circulatory system, and some evidence indicates that it lowers cholesterol and blood pressure.

There’s no solid evidence that chocolate is an aphrodisiac. However, Partner’s vulgar actions after a half dozen truffles make a compelling argument. Certainly, the gentlemen in white coats tell us that theobromine and tryptophan, both present in choccies, have mood elevating properties. 

Theobromine, by the way, is a stimulant similar to caffeine. And it’s the thing that makes chocolate extremely toxic to cats and dogs. Yes. All dogs. Even those Pekingese favoured by the late Barbara Cartland. If I catch you feeding your quadrupeds chocolate, I’m phoning the welfare people.

For humans, however, a little chocolate ain’t unsafe. One prudent way to moderate your use is to become a chocolate snob. Then, you’ll be unable to endure anything but the hard-to-find best. Boost your intolerance to Caramello Bears at the Chocolate Rush Festival. Workshops, seminars and Chocolate Appreciation tips are sure to turn you into an elitist.

Perhaps this event will cure me of my chocolate aversion.